Hello, lovely readers! I hope you are all having a lovely Saturday.
I slept in a bit too late and went out for a walk, which was risky because the weather has been rather dreary lately. But I made it home before it started raining! 🎉
I got to test my new phone today too (Samsung Galaxy S21 Ultra) and I'm impressed! The battery is so much better than my S8, and the camera quality is fantastic! I might've cost me 1k in euros, but it has definitely been worth it. 😊
Today I'll be telling you guys my struggle with saying "no" in the professional field. This is something I've always dealt with, ever since my first job.
My first job was a toxic place to begin with, which deserves its own blog entry. But I was 17-years-young and had gotten this job through an internship period during my first year in college. I was studying IT back in the day, putting computers together, troubleshooting, all you'd need to know for basic customer service in an IT company.
To pass the year, we needed to get an internship for at least 6 months, 3 times a week. I applied for several places and ended up getting hired at an internet/gaming café, where people can rent time on a computer to play games (Dota 2, LoL, Counterstrike, etc.) or just for regular use.
This place was owned by one lady, who got the company from her ex-boyfriend. There was one other person who briefly worked there when I started, but left because of drama I will discuss in another entry.
I worked there believing that my only business would be to work with the 20+ computers that stood there. And the computers really needed some love. There was so much dust in those poor machines which I attentively removed with compressed air. On top of that, I kept the systems up-to-date, as well as the games. Easy work, right?
As time moved on, I got more tasks on my plate:
Washing dishes, sure.
Vacuuming the floor, of course.
Wiping the desks, why not?
Cleaning the toilets... eh...
Fixing the lock on the front door.... what???
Yeah, the last thing made me question why I, someone who strictly studies how to maintain computer systems, has to put a new lock in the door. I even asked my boss this which I regretted immediately. She confronted me with the fact that this is "part of the job" which in hindsight simply is not true. But I was an inexperienced 17-year-young teenager back then and felt intimidated by the way she responded to me, so I just rolled with it and attempted to install the lock in the door. (I honestly do not remember if I did this correctly, but I digress.)
I continued to work there and got even more shoved onto my plate. I wish I had stood up for myself, but I was scared of confrontation and to lose my first job because of it. Due to lack of training I ended up doing things wrong, for which my boss would chew me out. It has gotten to the point I got so depressed because of how she treated me, and eventually I did quit my job because I just could not handle the pressure she put on me.
Something similar happened with my second job too. This was during my graphic design studies and some people who read this may recall me complaining about this place too.
This job started the way I expected it to. I got training, I got easy jobs, and the more I progressed in my skill and the more I learned, the more challenging my tasks became. I will not discredit my manager or boss for this period at all, they handled it very well and I felt comfortable in my position as junior graphic designer.
The problem occurred much later, when I had been working there for 2 years already. While I knew how to do certain things, that doesn't mean I could do them fast or flawlessly. The team only existed out of me and my manager and while my manager handled all the tasks directly received from my boss, I was pretty much in charge of everything else. You can imagine that this becomes stressful rather quickly, especially with every account manager telling me that the project they send to me is "urgent".
Having 10 urgent project on my plate and became too much for me rather quickly. At first I didn't even talk about it, because at the very least I was kept busy every day. However, it became more of an issue when account managers started harassing me for not finishing their projects on time.
At first, I told the account managers that I am simply too busy to put everyone on first priority. "I'm sorry, but there are too many projects I have to do right now. I promise you that I will finish this in the next hour/today." But sometimes, that just wasn't enough. As much as I want to understand that some of the customers they deal with can be.... Karens, it is also the account manager's responsibility to tell their clients that if there are a lot of requests coming in, that their specific request may take a moment longer than usual. This is something I asked the account managers to do on my behalf, but to no avail.
Still, I did as told and worked my butt off. Each time I had someone scold me that it was taking too long, my patience was wearing off and I started slipping into a deep depression once again.
I let this go on as I vented about this to my friends and family, who told me to involve my manager and boss with the amount of stress that is put on me. They gave me the courage to do so, for which I am incredibly thankful. However, not much changed since then. I kept telling my manager and my boss that the work pressure is simply too much, and that I am technically doing work for two or three people at the same time. I told them that it was wearing down on me and that I desperately needed help. As a response I got the standard "we'll see what we can do. Until then, don't stress too much" spiel. But in reality, nothing really changed and I continued to roll with it until I mentally started to shut down.
Yes. Burnout. I allowed it to get this bad. I was not stern enough about the fact that what I was told to do was just too much for me and swallowed whatever was left of my pride to please everyone. I just couldn't say "no, I can't do this. I am too busy. I'm doing too much." and that cost me a lot.
Since I got let go of that job I have been working extremely hard on picking myself back up from the damage that workplace has done to me. I am extremely resentful for the way they treated me, but at the same time I recognize that I could have been more vocal about the stress I've felt.
Have I learned anything from this? Yes, absolutely. However, I fear that I will fall into old habits once I get back to a normal job. I fear that I will continue being a people-pleaser, and not stand up for myself like I should. I fear that me standing up for myself will cause me to lose my job.
But at the same time I recognize that these things have happened and always will happen. I am not alone in this situation and unfortunately I just don't feel I am ready to go back to that world. I want to be, but how do I know that I am ready? If I could still afford my therapist, I would have asked them that question, but alas.... It seems like I will have to figure that out on my own.
Until then, I will have to stand strong, take care of myself, know my worth, and keep working to better myself until I can say "I am ready. I am happy."
I am grateful for...
the opportunities that are presented to me and the fact that I can take them.
This week's song:
Question of the week:
What is something you've always wanted to try? Can you try it today or in the near future?
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